Biology Class - Puckerman Style
by readbetweenthesigns
Summary: *One shot* Just a look at how some classes may be more entertaining than others and, when the teacher waits at the front of the class for her students to walk in, sometimes she has a few nightmares...


**Disclaimer: Ownership is neither claimed nor implied.**

**A/N: Every teacher's nightmare…**

"Biology is my very favourite class," Puck announced loudly as he walked into the classroom, giving a huge, most insincere smile to the teacher, Ms Riggs.

Ms Riggs felt her heart sink as she picked up her notes for the day's lesson. "Maybe I should just ask him to teach the damn class," she thought to herself, having heard all the rumours for the last four years. "Ok, settle down, can you just take your seats quickly please?" Ms Riggs said to the class, watching her least favourite group of students sit together. "Ok, today we're looking at the reproductive organs of humans," she said, looking down at the papers in her hands. "No Mr Puckerman, I do not mean literally, please, fasten your pants and sit down," she added, without taking her eyes from the papers.

"She spoils all the fun," Puck whispered loudly to Quinn and Tina who were sat just in front of him and Finn. Quinn said nothing, she just looked over her shoulder at Puck, trying hard to show her disapproval of his joking around, but actually struggling not to laugh.

"Take one and hand the rest back," Ms Riggs said to the students in the front row, placing the papers on their desks. She waited a few minutes until all the papers had been handed out. "Does everyone have a fact sheet?" she asked, raising her paper. The usual grunts and sounds were enough of an answer, Ms Riggs began the lesson.

"Ok, the average male penis in America," Ms Riggs stated, her tone suggesting boredom, as she glanced up from the page. "Can anyone tell me anything? Let's see if we can dispel a few myths here," she said, leaning against her desk. "No one willing to start?" she asked, quite unsurprised, it usually happened when this subject came up, even the most forward of students usually balked when given the information that she'd just handed out. The only one that did surprise her was Noah Puckerman, she had totally expected him to make some ridiculous comment. "Ok, the average length of an erect penis in an adult male, is five to seven inches," Ms Riggs stated then broke off when she was interrupted by a hissed voice.

"_Five to seven inches?_" Puck cried, causing Quinn to look over her shoulder again, her eyes wide, her face set. "That's it? That's all these other girls get?" he demanded, looking round the class for answers then turned back to Quinn. "You should be jumping up and down with joy right now," he informed her. "You get double the national average, don't ever say I'm not generous," he added a little louder. "I hope you intend to show your gratitude later," he whispered loudly, giving Quinn a poke in the back to make her turn around again, when she did he was poking his tongue in and out of his cheek, showing her his preference for how she should reward him.

"Is there anything you'd like to share with the class, Noah?" Ms Riggs asked, she'd overheard part of what he'd said and hoped he'd take the hint and shut up.

"No, not really, I'm not allowed," Puck answered, glancing down at the front of his pants. "I'm only allowed to share with Quinn now, I promised," he added with a huge smile and a cheesy wink.

Ms Riggs closed her eyes for a second and held her breath for a count of two. "Moving on," she sighed. "So, girth, another measurement that men worry about," she added, looking back at the paper, sure that her cheeks had a little touch more colour than they usually did, she certainly felt hotter anyway. "On average, at it's thickest part, the erect penis will measure between four and five inches."

"Quinn, do that thing with your hands," Puck urged, interrupting the class again, showing Quinn a shape with his hands. "See, that's how her hands fit round mine," he explained to Finn then called down the classroom, "have you got a tape measure in here? 'Cos that looks _way_ bigger than average too, see," he grinned at Quinn, "I told you before, what makes you different makes you special," he reminded her, "and for me it's my dick, sorry Ms Riggs, my erect penis," he corrected himself with a wicked grin. Puck dared to glance at Quinn, she looked like she was about ready to kill him.

Finn could barely look up from the paper that he'd placed on the desk, he couldn't actually see what was printed on it, his eyes were watering from almost killing himself to keep the laughter in. Puck was nothing if not entertaining. Finn was absolutely certain though that Quinn would inflict bodily injury on Puck before they got to Glee next lesson.

"Moving on," Ms Riggs said through gritted teeth, staring at Puck as he innocently read the fact sheet in front of him. "Ejaculate," she gritted out. "Despite the fact that when a man ejaculates it looks like a lot of fluid, actually, he will generally only produce between one to five millilitres per ejaculate, so really, that's not very much, is it?" she asked and waited for Puck to make a comment. He didn't. "And approximately 300 million sperm are released in each ejaculation although the higher the sperm content of the semen, the more opalescent it appears."

"And you know the best way to make your semen taste sweet?" Puck confided rather loudly to the guys who were sat near him. "Chicks dig it more when it tastes sweet," he clarified. "Eat lots of fruit, especially melons, oh and celery is good too and cinnamon, drink plenty of water and pineapple juice, cut out red meat and dairy, works like a charm, right Quinn?" he said, nudging Quinn's shoulder to get her to turn round.

"Thank you Mr Puckerman for your interesting insight," Ms Riggs called up the length of the classroom, seeing the rest of the lesson fall into chaos if she didn't manage to rein him in right now, she glanced at Quinn Fabray's face and saw that the poor girl looked absolutely mortified, ready to kill actually.

"Plus if you've got a big dick, it helps if you find a girl who doesn't have a gag reflex," Puck shared that particular piece of knowledge. "Much better, " he added, "otherwise you'd never get a good blow job and that just wouldn't be cool," he finished with a grin, making sure the class understood that Quinn Fabray did not possess a gag reflex and could swallow like a pro. "But even with a big dick it all fits where it's supposed to," he grinned. "Well, obviously it does, we got Beth, right?" he added, rolling his eyes.

Quinn turned around again, her eyes blazing. "If you don't shut up you won't need to worry if your dick fits anywhere ever again," Quinn hissed at Puck, her temper climbing to all new levels.

"Aww, babe, am I embarrassing you?" Puck asked loudly, smiling at Quinn. "They all know we do it," he whispered almost as loudly, "your belly sticking right out here," he motioned with his hands, "was a bit of a giveaway," he said with a nod.

"But they don't all need to know what happens right now though, do they?" Quinn demanded. "Not that I'm saying we…not that we….urgh," she growled and gave up when Puck and several others started laughing, especially when someone called out 'yeah, right', totally not convinced that Puck and Quinn could ever have anything like a platonic relationship.

"Let's move on to the female organs," Ms Riggs announced, hoping to regain at least some control.

"They do not all look the same, no they don't, they don't, no, they all look different," Puck argued with one of the other guys who had stated that once a guy had seen one vagina he didn't need to see another, they all looked the same.

"For once," Ms Riggs said, "for my sins," she added under her breath, "I have to agree with Noah, they are all different, same as all penis' are different, no two alike," she told the class. "Ok, vagina facts," she sighed. "And please, can we have input from someone other than Mr Puckerman?" she asked then closed her eyes as laughter erupted around the classroom.

"I like to have input at least twice a day," Puck announced, tilting back on the rear legs of his seat, grinning to the ceiling, determined not to even glance at Quinn who he knew for sure would by now be flame red in the face and almost spitting nails.

"What do you already know or think you know, before I hand these fact sheets out?" Ms Riggs asked, pointedly ignoring Puck's comment.

"There's twice as many nerve endings in the clitoris as there are in the penis," Tina offered shyly.

"And there are some studies that say the G-spot is a myth," Quinn added, raising her hand a little.

"It's not, by the way," Puck put in, "you just have to know where to find it."

"Some guys can't even find your clit with a map, never mind your G-spot," one girl grumbled. She looked up a little embarrassed that she'd shared that when she realised she'd spoken out loud.

"Oh, you need to dump him," Puck called shaking his head. "Dump his lazy ass and find one who can do it for you," he advised.

"Ok, can we come up with anything else?" Ms Riggs asked, trying desperately to bring the lesson back on track.

"The vagina can expand like double it's original size when you're really, really, ermm, err, excited," Quinn said, her voice trailing off in embarrassment. "And it's more common to experience orgasm through clitoral stimulation alone or combined with penetration rather than penetration alone, unless you drop lucky and your guy knows how to hit the sweet spot," she finished more confidently, deciding that Puck had already shared a lot so what the hell.

"Thank you Quinn, insightful and lucky, it would seem," Ms Riggs murmured. Puck nodded his acknowledgement of the praise. The rest of the lesson passed without any more embarrassing revelations from Puck, although that could have been because Quinn had scooted her seat back towards Puck's desk and had settled one of the legs onto Puck's right foot, every time he tried to move or grumble about it, Quinn jiggled in her seat causing him untold pain in his two smallest toes.

Just before the lesson was over Puck made a final comment to throw the class into uproar. "Ladies, can I just say, most guys much prefer it if you keep the cat tamed, don't be getting too comfortable with your dude and start growing out those 'fros, ok?" he suggested, his eyebrows raised, his eyes wide. "And also, teeth, careful with the teeth, it might feel good on you but not so much on guys, ok? Are we good?" he asked. Quinn turned, growled and glared. "Cool," Puck said with a wink at Quinn.

As the group of four made their way to Glee, Quinn rounded on Puck, very quietly chewing him out over his revelations. "Well, you always say it's huge," he reminded Quinn, "and it was over eleven inches when you measured it."

"God, don't you ever know when to shut up?" Quinn growled.

"Another fun fact for you Finn," Puck called a little louder. "If you measure your erection after manual stimulation you get a smaller measurement than if you measure after oral stimulation," he announced, nodding at the interested looks he got from a few of the guys. "It's true, you should try it," he advised.

"That's not a fact," Quinn quickly denied, rounding on Puck again, "that's just you because you think the world revolves around blow jobs," she muttered, blushing at even talking about the subject in the presence of others.

"Lucky for me that you're so good at it then," Puck replied with a huge grin then swept Quinn up from behind and carried her into the choir room.

"Put her down Puck, we have a lot of work to get through today," Mr Schue sighed without even looking up from the music sheets he was studying. "Ok, did we make any decisions?" he asked, glancing round the class.

"Yes," Puck called. "We decided that Rachel should never have another solo until the next ice age," he teased, watching the scowl appear on Rachel's face.

"When does the next movie come out?" Rachel demanded, her hands on her hips. "I know there's another ice age movie coming out soon," she said, still scowling a little although more jokingly.

"Puck, seriously, we have work to do," Mr Schue chided. "Decisions. What were they?" he asked.

"Alright," Finn sighed. "We decided that the Troubletones will sing Edge of Glory, Rachel will sing "All Coming Back To Me and then we'll do Paradise By The Dashboard Light for the group number."

"Ok, let's practice," Mr Schue called. "From the top..."

* * *

"Oh God," Ms Riggs sighed taking her seat in the teacher's lounge. "Some days my job so isn't worth the benefits," she added, sighing again.

"Which group?" one of the other teachers asked.

"Seniors, biology, human reproductive organs," Ms Riggs started to explain. "Puckerman," she added and saw understanding dawn from every angle.

"But look on the bright side," another teacher said with a huge smile. "He'll be graduating soon," she soothed, "we won't ever have to put up with him and his ways again."

"I wouldn't be too sure of that," Ms Duesenberry butted in. "If Noah doesn't pass his final European Geography test, he won't be graduating with the rest of his class."

Ms Riggs and several other teachers all shuddered. There had to be a way to fix this so that Noah Puckerman would graduate and leave high school forever. Ms Riggs thought and thought and thought about it. Suddenly she had a eureka moment. "I know how we'll get him to pass his stupid test," she thought, "Quinn Fabray. I'll steal the answers to the test, give them to Quinn and she can tutor him," she sighed and sat back sipping her coffee feeling satisfied with the plan. "It's not cheating," she assured herself. "It really isn't cheating," she told herself a little less confidently. "It's performing a service to keep the mental health of McKinley teachers on an even keel," Ms Riggs thought with a frown, she pouted at the other teachers around her. "We have to make sure he graduates," she announced aloud. "We have no option, he _has _to graduate…"


End file.
